The major problem I see with your application for the position of PTWIOS is that you’d have to leave your current post of Nemesis. Replacing you in that post would be quite difficult.

Granted, it’s your career, and I’d hate to be the one telling you not to follow your dreams, but few people wish to take such a large step backward.

I can’t argue about your qualifications. As you allude in your application, you’re even aware that Dividing by Zero isn’t a b***, it’s an alternative communications medium.

Such clear over-qualifications, in combination with how close you are to achieving the position of Arch-Nemesis, leaves me wondering whether I’d be doing either of us any favors by granting your request.

Yours Sincerely,

- Blair

I read with interest your advertisement for a Wife or Girlfriend. While I am not applying for either post, I would like to be considered for reinstatement to the position of Person To Whom You Occasionally Speak (PTWYOS).

When I previously served as PTWYOS, I did not realize that the position was temporary and that I must reapply periodically. I hope you will forgive this lapse.

I understand that you will likely consider many applicants, but I believe my experience in the position is an advantage that should be strongly considered. In support of my candidacy, I offer the following qualifications:

- Instant recall of everything you have said, amusing or otherwise, during the past seven years
- Demonstrated willingness to laugh at your jokes, amusing or otherwise, during the past seven years
- Ability to remember the long list of pies you have your thumbs in, and to casually weave them into conversation
- Familiarity with all current and previous jobs, hobbies, and other sleep-preventing diversions
- Consistent readership and support of the b*** since inception

I am available for immediate employment; however, I understand that these next few weeks will be especially busy for you. In recognition of our previous association, I will not offer PTWYOS services to anyone else until you have made a definitive selection.

Thank you for your kind attention to this matter. I look forward to the day when I may be counted once again among such august company as That Neighbor Whose Name You Can Never Remember and The People Who Work At Your Dog’s Vet’s Office.

Very truly yours,
Z.