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Previous Articles Exposing Hollywood's anti-German agenda I'm not ashamed to be religious or a liberal 'Beat Me with a Stick' Elmo and other great toys Making a difference: why I do what I do Telemarketing ban has ended a great pastime I don't rule the world, and that's fine with me Making the journey from prejudice to understanding There's no comparing genocide and killing geese All that's left is an empty feeling An unrequited love for some really neat words Foster dads offer hands and hearts ... for the time being. Thanksgiving dinner and other forms of ritual madness. Zen and the art of not getting run over by a Mack truck A lifetime of regrets as another year goes down the tubes Reform Party Convention ends in shoot-out Virtual immortality isn't all it's cracked up to be Insider's look at the Republican National Convention turns up many surprises Car Repair for Dummies, Part One: This is a Car Sadness marks the passing of a beloved mattress At last, something worse than 'Jane Eyre' Every town has a story. Tombstone has a fixation. Forget the Trekkies, the real nutcases are on the Luce Chalk one up for the faceless restaurant customers Feeling sick? Maybe it's time to get a shave. Guest Writer: Toto, I don't think we're in Mayberry anymore Guest Writer: The need for speed Does this mean we won't get free popcorn anymore? Out of the way, Martha Stewart -- I'm in the kitchen now How I'm surviving my brush with 'Jane Eyre' First blizzard of the year evokes frivolous memories, no deep thoughts Isn't it time to jump on the bandwagon with the Real Thing? Forward this column and you can turn e-mail into $300! Trips to the moon, disaster figure in mildew prognostications True confessions (more or less) of a closet survivalist Who understands what dreams may come? Hey, everyone, look -- it's an elephant! Wouldn't 'Senator Learn' have a nice ring? To my little girl: while you're sleeping . . . Special Report: Entering the Baby Zone Battling the suburban white whale Wanted: Politician to tackle key issues Something else to worry about this fall Wanted: Dumber Mice and Better Mouse Traps One More Stop on the Road to Adulthood Follow the fashion leads of the journalist from Krypton This is why naming children by committee never caught on Psoriasis may be ugly, but at least it doesn't leave scars Another casualty of the ancient family curse Quest for baby names too big to handle How the seniors taught me to get down And don't forget your scarf when you go inside Guest Writer: No room for Paradise as vandals force Dew Drop Inn to close The samba of the mad Vulcan Maybe I could be directed by Spielberg The aliens in Rhode Island don't want you to read this Voice of nostalgia is a call to destruction My wife is having the baby, but I look pregnant The end of the world as we know it Run for the hills - Y2K’s a’comin’ fast What's in a name? Shakespeare had no idea Don't waste your energy on the 'gas out' Career choice leaves a lasting mark One Easter leftover, hold the ham please

Reform Party Convention ends in shoot-out By David Learn (with David McCandless) LONG BEACH, Calif. (Grinn News Service) -- The Reform Party's chances of ever being a viable third party bit the dust recently in its most bitter clash to date between backers of party founder Ross "Big Ears" Perot and Johnny-come-lately Pat Buchanan. Federal agents continue to investigate the shoot-out that left five people dead, including former Reform Party Chairman Russ Verney and Iowa physicist John Hagelin, who until the shoot-out was Buchanan's chief rival for the Reform Party's nomination. "We might lose the election," witnesses quote Buchanan as saying as he left the scene. "But at least those stick-in-the-muds got what was coming to them. By the way, we don't want anyone in the Reform Party who hates anyone. No haters need apply." Witnesses told Grinn News Service reporters that the gunfight began shortly after both Buchanan and Hagelin were given the nod for the party's presidential bid in a split convention. The party had been facing a split among its Perot and Buchanan factions for months as members of the Perot camp have alleged "predatory" tactics by Buchanan supporters -- including branding Perot's cattle with Buchanan's own swastika symbol and running foreigners away from the national watering hole. "It was just after Buchanan named that Ms. Ezola Foster as his running mate," rambled Vladimir del O'Hara, a witness to the shoot-out. "Marshal Wyatt, he comes in, and says he and his brother Virgil and sister Morgan have been authorized to shut Hagelin down. Doc Buchanan grabs his gun and says, as the presidential candidate, he's coming with them." The Wyatts and Buchanan went to the other convention hall, where they met Hagelin; Nat Goldhaber, a Silicon Valley entrepreneur named as Hagelin's vice presidential candidate; Verney, and Clanton McLaurey, another high-ranking member of the Reform Party who openly has supported Hagelin's candidacy. Eyewitnesses claim there was a tense stand-off between the two factions as Virgil Wyatt and Verney flipped some two-headed coins in hopes of reaching a compromise. "Then, all sudden-like, Doc Buchanan whips out his shotgun and starts blasting!" said del O'Hara. "I ain't never seen nothing like it before, except maybe in that Robocop movie, or this year's Republican primary. I mean, he's got a 12-gauge, right? But he still fires it three times without even reloading!" In the aftermath of the shoot-out, the Buchanan side of the Reform Party remained largely unharmed. Virgil Wyatt's arm was broken by a bullet. Doctors later discovered a second bullet had passed straight through Buchanan's forehead, but these minor wounds had no bearing on the candidate or his message. Unfortunately, Hagelin's large-scale meditation rallies against violence in cities such as Washington, D.C., had no apparent karmic effect, as he, Verney, and Goldhaber all were killed. McLaurey escaped by throwing down his party registration card and ducking past the hotel's salad bar. After the croutons had settled and police were investigating the possibility of filing charges against the Buchanan crew, Buchanan made an appeal to Perot and his followers for party solidarity. "We want to build and grow the Reform Party!" insisted Buchanan, who last October had relieved the Republican Party by announcing his departure from its ranks. "Ross, stop fighting us! Turn to the Dark Side, and get your butt over here to help!" Former Reform Party uberchild Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura had a few words to say, even while managing to avoid participating in the massacre himself. "It was something I could see coming," he said at a hastily assembled news conference in Minnesota. "Russ Verney and the Perot supporters are getting exactly what they gave Jack Gargin and myself six to nine months ago." According to his last X-ray, Ventura still has 23 pounds of buckshot stuck in his hindquarters. In the end, however, Ventura was nonplused by the latest schism in the party he helped bring to national prominence. "It's really a case of mind over matter," he said. "I don't mind, and they don't matter." Ventura could be right. Reports suggest that Hagelin, a quantum physicist turned transcendental meditator, is not quite dead, but as with " Schrödinger's Cat," his family was unwilling to open the casket in order to be sure. Copyright 2000-2002 by the Brothers Grinn, an imprint of Ravensmyth Corp. Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved.