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Insider's look at the Republican National Convention turns up many surprises By David Learn (with David McCandless)
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (Grinn News Service) -- Heads still are rolling in the aftermath of the Republican Party's attempts to reinvigorate the political process at its convention here.
Few politicians dispute that political conventions have become increasingly less interesting since the riots around the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. But Republican officials here think party heads might have gone too far in trying to recapture voter interest.
"On the island, fire represents life," convention organizers announced Monday night at the start of the convention. As stunned delegates listened, party officials revealed that they had placed six high-profile candidates -- Elizabeth Dole, wife of former Sen. Bob Dole; millionaire publisher Steve Forbes, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), Texas Gov. George W. Bush, and dark horses Gary Bauer and Alan Keyes -- on an island of garbage off the coast of New Jersey nearly a month previously.
According to the new rules of the convention, presidential hopefuls would have to survive a grueling week on the island with no one for company but each other and a representative of the White House press corps. Every night, candidates convened in a tribal council where they would have the option of voting one of the other candidates off.
The last candidate left at the end would have the dubious honor of running for an office that has become progressively more tarnished since 1865.
"The whole primary scene was media-driven anyway, and only showed who could attract the most money by being named after his father," said convention delegate Frederick Von Dingle, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, but we thought this approach would get better ratings."
The first candidate voted off the island was Elizabeth Dole, whose husband, former Senate President Bob Dole, ran unsuccessfully for president in 1996.
Dole left the island voluntarily rather than eat 20 pounds of live beetle grubs, a task many candidates compared favorably to campaign fund-raising.
(Slim-footed Bauer had released a relieved sigh at Libby's abdication; Dole had announced her intention to vote people off the island in order of increasing shoe size, to keep her votes impersonal).
"It's not like we ever would want a Southern belle like Mrs. Dole to be the president of a great country like America, where our motto is 'White Christian males in leadership,'" said televangelist Pat Robertson, whose Christian Coalition somehow has avoided losing its 501(c)3 tax-exempt status despite being shamelessly pro-Republican.
"GOP is only one letter away from God anyway," Robertson quipped.
Back on the mainland, Dole had no time for comment, dodging Playboy pictorial contract negotiators and a Viagra-overstimulated husband.
With the sole female out of the running and her fire on the island symbolically snuffed, viewers were glued to the set, wondering if the possibility still existed for romantic dalliances among the survivors. (Not likely, according to Republican party policy.)
In fact, over the course of the next week, the remaining hopefuls became steadily more antagonistic toward each other, surprising political analysts who had predicted voting blocs would arise among candidates with similar backgrounds and ideologies.
The Bauer-Keyes exchanges particularly shocked observers, as both Bauer and Keyes identify themselves strongly with the Religious Right. In fact, Bauer loudly declaimed Keyes in one village council as uncouth and undignified for dancing in the barbecue pit.
Keyes countered that Bauer was a "white man with no soul."
At that point it seemed as if the other candidates might extinguish the fires of both men in a shocking break from the rules, especially when Bauer threw a conniption after Bush named Jesus Christ as the pigmy headhunter who had influenced him most.
Instead it was Forbes who withdrew that night, claiming he had just realized he was "too goofy ever to be president of anything more than my father's media empire."
Bauer was voted off the third night, giving McCain his whole-hearted endorsement in his final speech before the village council as his fire was extinguished.
"The kiss of death," McCain was heard muttering to himself, as Bauer was tossed aboard the Republican boat to return to the mainland.
Bauer later blamed his loss on choosing an NIV Bible for his "special item" while on the island, instead of James Dobson's "The New 'Dare to Discipline,'" as he had been advised.
The next night, after a last-minute blimp advertising campaign in which McCain was accused of being against breast-cancer therapy, Vietnam survivors, old rich white guys, progress, moral deceny, Americans, and cute frolicking puppies, Keyes and Bush voted together to expel McCain from the island.
A CNN Gallup poll indicates that 87 percent of Americans live by the credo, "If it's on a dergible, it must be true."
Bush denied having any connection to the mysterious advertisements.
"Get it straight," he told Grinn reporters. "I didn't ask any of those oil interests to support me! They chose it of their own free will."
McCain dropped by Bush's grass hut to congratulate him -- as he had done the other nights Bush had escaped being voted off -- but, unable to find him, left him a congratulatory note before departing via the "Straight Talk" powerboat for a scheduled celebration.
Embarrassed Bush aides claimed Bush had tried to congratulate McCain on the nights that McCain had remained on the island but insisted that the senator had been using the bathroom each time.
Later, McCain explained that the island's facilities had reminded him too much of the Vietnamese prison where he had been caged for five long years, and -- in a remarkable display of personal discipline -- had "held it" during his entire stay on the island.
Doctors say McCain's treatments are progressing normally, and his bowels should be back to normal "in a day or two."
On the final night, it seemed clear that, with Keyes and Bush as the last two survivors, the Republican Party would have to pick Bush, whose name had more presidential precedent and was easier for uneducated voters to spell.
A special report by ABC News has indicated the fire by Keyes' hut is still lit, more than two weeks after the contest ended.
On the last night of the convention, attendees were surprised when party officials announced the Republican candidate for the presidency is Bauer, and not Bush as many had expected.
"I don't expect a serious challenge to my nomination from the Bush quarters," Bauer said as he accepted the party nomination.
Party organizers were unable to explain why a wrecking crew happened to be destroying the men's room five minutes before Bauer was named the Republican candidate.
Bush mysteriously was unavailable for comment.
"Did you check the men's room?" Bauer sniggered.
Serving as Bauer's vice presidential candidate is noted sex columnist Dan Savage, who early this year volunteered at Bauer's campaign headquarters and changed his party registration to Republican in order to vote for Bauer.
"Dan adopted a boy after convincing the baby's mother not to have an abortion. In my mind, that makes him a real family-values man," Bauer said. "Of course, if we win the election, we'll have to have Dan put to death for being gay, in accordance with Levitical law, but that's just a measure of Dan's dedication to the cause."
Savage was not available for comment. Sources close to the columnist indicated Savage was "doing his best to contract the most virulent strain of flu he can find."
Copyright 2000-2002 by the Brothers Grinn, an imprint of Ravensmyth Corp. Reprinted with permission. All rights reserved. |
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"Scarred for Life" is written by David Learn, Copyright © 1999 - 2002 and appears here by permission. All technical content of this site is Copyright © 1999 - 2002 by Blair Learn.
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